Relief and thanks

Another day of warm, soft air and a young mocking bird trying out its mocking from a high branch, sweet warbles and trills and raspy squawks thrown out into space, waiting with head cocked for a response. Just wanting to communicate, as we all do.

This morning I can listen with equanimity. My husband is safe, at least for now.  They found more damage to his heart than we’d known about before, but nothing that puts him in immediate danger.  I so appreciate your supportive comments, and those of other sober friends in these wonderful online communities. What amazing good fortune to have found you all!

The years of sobriety have made me more aware of what I’m feeling during crises and what I do with those feelings. I still go numb when I’m scared, go through the motions of whatever I’m called upon to do, but as though my only living parts are the eyes, like a turtle withdrawing into its shell, peering out at the danger.  Hours later, I fall apart and start sobbing over something completely unrelated.  When I was drinking, that second part didn’t happen, couldn’t happen because of the alcohol–whatever emotions managed to work their way up through the haze were so exaggerated or so flattened, they were a long way from the real thing.  Though it’d be even better to have the feelings and the precipitating events a bit more attached to each other, it seems like progress.

My husband just came in the room laughing to tell me that Vinnie, our neighbor’s black cat, was on our dining room table sniffing the yellow chrysanthemums–presumably after finishing off our cats’ breakfasts. Older and bolder and at home in the world. Vinnie, that is, not necessarily my husband.  But I’m very happy he is still in the world to share the Vinnie moments.

And I think I have to share this morning’s headlines from the Independent‘s World RSS feed:

–I’m no thief, says Pope’s butler Paolo Gabriele
–20 students killed in Nigeria college campus attack
–Patient sues Kentucky hospital over penis amputation
–Caught on film: the predatory men stalking Moscow
–Anyone but Silvio Berlusconi: Italy begs unelected Mario Monti to stay
–Great Barrier Reef has lost ‘half its coral since 1985’
–Investigators say Oregon farmer may have been deliberately knocked over and eaten      by 50-stone pigs
–Ikea airbrushes women from its Saudi catalogue

Our big, wide, wonderful world.  Think I’ll start with the 50-stone pigs.

Beware of the Pigs. Photo credit: Amanda Slater



This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Relief and thanks

  1. Susan, I am so behind in reading and commenting on my favorite blogs. I am sorry to hear of your husband’s health concerns, but am glad nothing to serious for now. I will send some positive thoughts your way.

    My husband had a heart attack the December before I quit drinking. It was after a building argument, I was drunk of course. I will always feel responsible, even though it was inevitable with his blockages. Driving drunk through curvy hilly roads, speeding to the hospital, afraid that his heart or my driving would kill is both… It was then I knew I had a big time problem. Sigh.

    I’m so glad you have this blog as an outlet and I’m even more glad that our paths crossed. I’ll be catching up with your earlier posts soon my friend. All my best to you and hubby.

    • sswl says:

      It’s like kids who think they’ve caused their parents’ divorce, isn’t it? We just don’t have that kind of power, to cause someone else’s heart attack. And of course I would’ve felt the same way. :)

      Thanks for your good wishes, Christy–and hope you’re doing a bit better.

  2. csmissy says:

    First let me tell you how relieved and happy I am for you and your husband that things turned out to be ok. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you move through the coming days and weeks of doctor’s appointments and tests. Please keep me updated.

    Funny you should ask (yesterday’s post) if I had posted about my DH heart attack. I did, When Did Things Change, August 25th (sorry I don’t know how to link yet). I just went back and read it and realized I haven’t touched the subject since. As I’m sure you will understand, I still live with the fear, the uncertainty, and the changes.

    What I see today is how the drinking let me bury the fear and the anxiety. Today the fear is not gone nor is the anxiety. But since I quit drinking I am once again living into the relationship that is my marriage, fully. And it is wonderful. I don’t know how long we will have, days, months or many years, but I do know that I will be fully present each and every day (and night :).

  3. Imogen says:

    Wonderful news, Susan. Hoping that your husband’s health continues to improve.
    Isn’t it a completely different experience to feel the emotions, even delayed ones? Mind you, i’ve not had to live through the fear you’ve felt recently.
    Keeping you both in my thoughts x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s