I’ve come full circle and am back to the addictions of my childhood–huge cravings for chocolate and sweets. It sounds silly to call chocolate cravings addiction, but the parallels are striking: it’s something I hide, hoard, am ashamed of, feel guilty about; something I know isn’t good for me (I’m diabetic) and ultimately will harm me; something I promise myself every day I won’t do anymore, and do anyway.
Why do I do it? That incredible blast of sweetness, followed by self-disgust–what’s that all about? Is it just pure neurochemistry, or is there a hole being filled?
Partly, it’s because it’s forbidden fruit, from early childhood it always was, all those admonitions about not eating too much sugar. Alcohol was forbidden too, something I wasn’t supposed to do until I was 21. The attraction of the illicit. It must be part of why people like porn.
What if I just gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted? Would that weaken its siren call? Or would I get fat as a blimp and go on insulin?
I HATE this.